Behavioral technician dad explains how not to react to kids’ tantrums: 'You don’t have to fix the feeling'

There might be no one-size-fits-all way to deal with a child's tantrums. But a dad who is also a behavior technician believes that there are five ways parents could be making their kids' tantrums "worse" and the things they should definitely not do while dealing with a temper tantrum. Gabriel Hannans, who goes by @the_indomnitable_blackman on TikTok, shared things that parents should stop doing during a tantrum, even if it feels like the simplest response.

"If you are doing any of these five things, you are making tantrums worse," Hannans began. At number one, the dad explained how "rushing to fix it" can actually make things worse. He understood that tantrums can be "loud, annoying and messy" and people around them are probably "staring and judging." But he continued, "If we shut them down too fast, that energy doesn’t go away — it just builds up like a shaken soda can." The man added, "Instead, take a deep breath and ride it out. If you’ve taught emotional regulation, prompt them to use that. But remember: you don’t have to fix the feeling." Hannans encouraged parents to let the kids "feel it" and just be there as their "emotional anchor." That would eventually fix the tantrum in the right way.

Using shame is the second way parents shouldn't fix a tantrum. "We’ve all heard it: 'big kids don’t act like that,' or 'you’re embarrassing me.' But that stuff hits deep." The behavior technician pointed out that by doing this, parents are telling their kids that they are "bad" but not teaching them what to do instead in such a situation. He wanted parents to validate the child's feelings instead of shaming them. "Let them know that their emotions aren’t the enemy. It’s what they do with them that matters." The third thing is the most common mistake parents make, according to the man and it causes the most amount of damage when compared to the other things. It is "setting inconsistent boundaries." The dad went on, "Kids pick up on [inconsistent behavior]. If pushing worked once, they’ll continue to test that theory again. They are natural scientists."

"Pick some non-negotiables, things that you will always hold the line on," Hannans suggested as a solution. At number four, the man explained how using logic in the middle of a meltdown can actually cause problems. "Their brain is in full survival mode and they physically can't understand or hear logic." He remarked, "That’s like trying to explain taxes to someone mid panic attack." Instead, parents should use "softer tones" and "fewer words" and wait for the kid to calm down before talking to them. One can also take deep breaths with the kid. Finally, many parents tend to "ignore triggers" that cause tantrums in the first place. "It is like walking into the same pothole every day, wondering why your ankle hurts," the dad expressed. He advised parents to identify patterns and avoid triggering scenarios instead.

People shared their thoughts on the advice in the comments. @dadding_daily wrote, "'Explaining taxes during a panic attack.' Fantastic analogy." @menzennial commented, "YES! They will push 100 times harder when sometimes you 'give in' and sometimes you hold firm." @missmamatforeman remarked, "I struggle with number one. I always want to jump in! And I've had to retrain myself to let them go through it."

You can follow Gabriel Hannans (@the_indomnitable_blackman) on TikTok for more parenting content.