Psychotherapist explains how 'birdnesting' really helps divorced parents provide a stable home to their kids
Parents getting divorced often hits hard on the kids. There might be no simple way to go about a separation. However, a concept called "birdnesting" can make the change a little easier on the kids, according to an expert. In birdnesting, parents keep the family home and take turns living with their children at the place. The term has been inspired by birds in the wild who keep their nest as their babies grow, per TODAY. However, there might be a specific way to do it right, according to what Dr. Fran Walfish, an author and a family and relationship psychotherapist, told NBC News.
The author of "The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child," Walfish, shared that a short-term birdnesting plan can actually be beneficial for children. She suggested three months as the ideal time for the transition. "The shock of the painful news to the children is softened by a brief transitional period in which the kids' environmental surroundings remain the same and the only change is the presence of one parent or the other, versus both [parents] at the same time," Walfish said. However, it might not be ideal to have such a living situation for too long.
"Any longer than a period of three months of nesting risks giving your children an inaccurate message that [the parents] are working on reconciliation." She added, "All children of divorce fantasize and wish for their parents to work things out and return to being a complete family unit." Celeste Viciere, a licensed mental health clinician, believes that birdnesting can be useful for children, both socially and practically. "Having the children live in the same house that is familiar to them can be beneficial because it's easier to stay in the same school and keep the same friend group. Often, when kids have to bounce between different households, it tends to affect their social lives due to the location."
Dr Ann Buscho, a California-based therapist, told BBC that while nesting could be a temporary arrangement for some people, others do it for years. She highlighted how actress Gwyneth Paltrow stayed frequently at the home she shared with musician Chris Martin long after they broke up. "I think Gwyneth Paltrow’s 'conscious uncoupling' had a big effect here. They did a sort of modified nesting. And just the notion of divorcing with respect and more kindly, I think that had a big impact on people."
Buscho believes the method is indeed helpful as it allows kids to keep some parts of their usual routine, while coming to terms with changes gradually. At the same time, Beth Behrendt, a freelance writer, author and nesting mom, shared the importance of setting certain ground rules with one's partner during birdnesting on the Mindful Mama Podcast with host Hunter Clarke-Fields.
The couple had established that they would not bring in romantic partners in the nest, at least for the first year, and allow kids to have some time to adjust to having new adults around them. "We did a lot of thinking and talking before bringing in new people or new arrangements into the kids' lives," Behrendt revealed. "I think that kind of slow approach is really for the best for everyone." A study revealed that the environment before and after the divorce can also affect the child's adaptability to their new situation, per the National Library of Medicine. An amicable divorce can be beneficial for a child-parent relationship, as it could ease parenting stress and make the process a bit easier for the child.