Clinical psychologist asks parents to use 4 ‘magic words’ to stop kid's bad behavior — works 'better' than warnings

Disciplining children can be challenging and many parents feel frustrated when their kids don’t listen. Often, no matter how many times a parent warns a child, they continue misbehaving. This leads to frustration, power struggles and raised voices. But clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says there's a better way to set boundaries that actually work. Dr. Kennedy, who goes by @drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram, offers practical and emotionally intelligent parenting advice on her page. In a recent video, she insists that instead of issuing repeated warnings that may or may not be followed, parents should use the phrase "I won't let you."

In her video, she illustrates the problem with typical warnings by using a common scenario: a child throwing a ball inside the house. Parents often say something like, "This is your last warning. If you throw that ball inside one more time, you're losing your iPad for the week." But, as she points out, these kinds of warnings don’t make sense in serious situations. "Can you ever imagine saying to your kid, ‘This is your last warning. If you run into oncoming traffic again, you're losing your iPad for the week’?' I can't even say it with a straight face; it's absurd," she says.

Kennedy believes parents should use the same intervention approach for everyday discipline instead of relying on repetitive warnings and punishments. “Why do we set our kids up for failure and ourselves up for frustration?” she asks. Instead of repeating empty threats, Dr. Kennedy suggests a firm but calm intervention that actually works. "Here is a much better, not soft, very sturdy intervention," she says as she introduces the approach. 

She details the approach, "Hey, you're having a hard time keeping that ball from being thrown inside the house. I am taking it; I am putting it away. In a little bit, we can go outside and throw the ball. I will not let you throw it in here again. I won’t let you." The key, she explained, is that parents should embody their authority rather than relying on punishments they don’t actually want to enforce. When parents follow through with unnecessary punishments, like taking away an iPad for a week, they often regret it, especially when it creates more stress for them later. "I don’t want to take away their iPad for the week. Now I’m going to have to deal with their iPad meltdown. I can’t have the time I want when I usually give them their iPads. Nobody wins," she explained.

She suggests the alternative to warning, "Embodying your authority, setting a boundary, and intervening earlier. It is better for everyone." The post resonated with many parents and many took to the comments section to share their thoughts. Some asked for advice. @courtney_h_moore asked, "Is this after telling them once? Or like they should know they can't throw in the house? What about with a two-year-old, could you say hey, do not throw the ball in the house then proceed with your version or?" @kearsr commented, "What do you do with your 2-year-old that won’t stop pushing or hitting when angry or just out of nowhere?" @adhdresourcespecialist agreed with the approach, "Yes! Also, front loading and setting expectations ahead of time are important." @elle.hussey wrote, "'Very sturdy intervention.' This is so perfect."

You can follow Dr. Becky Kennedy (@drbeckyatgoodinside) for more parenting advice and tips.