Harvard-trained psychologist reveals the most important way to shut down negativity in friendships

Navigating friendships with someone who constantly leans toward negativity can be draining, especially when their outlook starts to impact the entire group. However, according to Thema Bryant, president of the American Psychological Association, there’s a key way to deflect that negativity without escalating the situation, and that is to "refute it." Bryant, who is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and completed her post-doctoral training at Harvard Medical Center’s Victims of Violence Program, explains that a negative mindset is often a sign of something deeper, as reported by CNBC.

If they frequently express frustration or say statements that are "over-generalizing their own unworthiness," it indicates they are not in the best place mentally. When they make remarks such as, "Of course I have no plans this weekend, because no one likes me," they may be struggling with loneliness or self-doubt. Bryant suggested, "When they say something that is putting you down or putting the whole group down, in one sentence refute it. Counter it so it doesn’t sit there as truth." For example, if a friend says, "Of course, no one likes us. We are terrible at making friends," instead of letting that sentiment take hold, respond with something light but firm, like, "I don’t know what you’re talking about; we are so fun!" 

But while it’s fine to redirect the conversation at the moment, that doesn’t mean ignoring the bigger issue. Bryant pointed out, "When people talk about depression, what they say is 'how did nobody notice.'" Instead of assuming it’s best to brush past negative comments, she emphasizes that it can actually be harmful to ignore them or talk about a friend’s struggles behind their back. If you sense a friend is going through something serious, Bryant suggests having a deeper conversation, but only when you’re in the right place to do so. She advised, "Take stock of your own mental health and only approach your friend if you have enough in your tank."

She also suggests asking specific questions rather than open-ended ones that encourage automatic responses. So, instead of, "What’s up?" go with something like, "How has your week been?" or "How are you managing everything on your plate?" Tone and timing also matter. Slowing down when asking questions signals that you’re looking for a real response, and making sure you have enough time to fully listen is just as important. "Full compassion, no judgment," Bryant said. Being vulnerable about your own struggles can also help create a safe space for your friend to open up. If they brush it off with, "Oh, I’m fine," gently follow up. If they still insist they’re okay, let them know they can always talk later if they change their mind. Of course, there are limits to what a friend can do, and that’s okay. Bryant said, "A friend is not a therapist."

She further advised, "You can say to them, 'I really value our friendship, but, to be honest, I’m in over my head, and I hear what you’re saying, and I’m not really sure how to help. I don’t know if you’re open to talking to a therapist because it seems like what you’re going through is huge.'" While suggesting professional help might feel like overstepping, Bryant argues that it’s better than ignoring the problem altogether. "A real friend, when they see you’re struggling, will come to you to offer some support or will help you get to the resources you need," she said.