Psychologist reveals how to explain the death of a loved one to a child
The loss of a loved one can be hard on a child, especially if they have not wrapped their heads around the concept of death yet. Children as young as 2 years old can sense change in their families, according to Dr. Shannon Curry, clinical psychologist and director of the Curry Psychology Group in Orange County, California. However, Dr. Curry revealed that a child's ability to cope with someone's death can come largely from the way their parents present the news, per TODAY.
"A child’s ability to cope with and understand the death of a loved one depends significantly on how clearly and calmly their parent presents the news," the clinical psychologist remarked. "As long as you’re not overwhelmed by emotion, allowing your child to see the reality of your sadness can be an important teaching opportunity about emotional awareness and coping while also preparing them for the grief they may witness among family members in the coming days, weeks and months." Dr. Curry explained that naming how you are feeling and focusing on the positive outcome of the same can help the child as well. As an example, one can say, "Mommy is sad right now and I’m crying because after I cry, I feel a lot better," per the doctor.
Dr. Curry suggested that parents should be honest, clear and ready to open a stage for difficult conversations while talking about death with children. She pointed out that one should speak slowly and clearly instead of rushing through things. Using clear terms that didn't confuse kids was another essential thing. Also, she encouraged parents to address any fear their child might have. "Incorporating words like 'I expect' 'most' and 'usually' can help guide you. For instance, you might tell your child that most people do not die until they are very old." It is also crucial for a child to hear the news of a death in the family as soon as possible to ensure that they don't hear it from the wrong source or in an incorrect way, per Child Bereavement UK.
If it is challenging for the parents to communicate the news to the child, they can ask for help from a trusted family member. That person can deliver the information in front of one of the parents. Also, one can ask a supportive person to be in the room when they explain death to their child. The organization advised people not to use words like "passed away," "gone to the stars," or "gone to sleep," as these can confuse the child further. At the same time, parents should avoid giving their children too much information. "It’s more useful for adults to warmly and tenderly say: 'I have some very sad news to share. Your grandparent has died. That means his body stopped working and we won’t get to see him again,'" Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist, told UNICEF. "It can be hard for parents to use such direct language, but it’s important to be honest and transparent."
"Over and over, what I found is that well-intentioned parents often talk to their kids about death and dying in ways that end up increasing their kids' anxiety and fear, not decreasing it," Dr. Becky Kennedy, psychologist and founder of the organization Good Inside, explained through her YouTube channel. Although many people would want to hide the harsh truth from their kids and reassure them, the psychologist advises against doing that. "I have a very conflictual relationship with the word: 'reassurance.' What we do when we are in the mode of reassurance is we really under-appreciate how our kids are already processing the information, are already feeling things and worrying about things." On the other hand, approaching grief with openness and acceptance can help a child better understand the "inevitable aspects" of life, as Dr. Curry said.