Psychologist reveals the one comforting line parents should say when kids tell them something distressing
When children hesitate to communicate comfortably with their parents, it gives birth to a lot of issues. In some cases, the parents don't turn out to be good listeners. Others are simply dismissive of their child's complaints and concerns. Dr. Becky Kennedy, a psychologist and founder of the online parenting service Good Inside, shared a clip on her TikTok page @drbeckyatgoodinside that resonated with fellow parents. Kennedy advised her viewers that there is one sentence every parent needs to have in their "toolbox."
"'I'm so glad you're talking to me about this,'" Kennedy mentioned the phrase that every child deserves to hear from their parents. "Say that to the child right away. When they're stressed out, when they're angry, upset, shameful or anything." Then Kennedy describes a situation using an adult context. Whenever she got mad at her husband for something, she made sure to let him know what was causing her frustration. "He said to me, 'You know, Becky, well, you're upset. But, like, I'm so glad you're telling me about this.' I'd be like, 'I think we're good now.' I don't even know what I was upset about," Kennedy continues.
She reminds everyone, especially children and their parents, that the feeling inside them is as real as it gets. "Yeah. I still love and accept you. That's right. And so our kids need to absorb from us. From a resilience perspective, my parents can tolerate this part of me before I learn to tolerate this part of me," Kennedy concluded with a smile. She added a few more crucial pointers in the caption of her brief video and wrote, "When our kids open up to us when they’re younger, about being left out or feeling mad or about something they did, how we respond matters. Because our kids don’t just take in that interaction, they start to form a working model of how we will react and whether they feel better or worse after talking with us," the caption read.
She further explained that the parents' sole job is not to make their kids feel happy but to listen attentively and validate the feelings of their kids. The comment section had a lot to discuss regarding this topic and many came forward to share their opinions on how a single sentence can break the cycle of generational trauma. @hmsharkey mentioned, "I can tell when advice is right because it immediately makes me cry and my heart aches a little. Yeah, I needed to hear that when I was younger. It’s good to hear it now."
@elixiamoon quipped, "This makes me so emotional. I love it and I am looking forward to using this with my kiddos." @ashbees03 shared, "I’m going to implement this with my middle school students. This is so important!" @jnjhomestead commented, "If I went to my parents about anything, it was my fault. I felt that way and I should do something about it while they actively denied me said tools to help myself. They never tried to help." @mamachloster remarked, "I said this to my husband during one of his anxiety attacks and he calmed so quickly and changed our relationship. He had tried to hide his anxiety but he didn’t need to."
@drbeckyatgoodinside If we want to our kids - when they’re older - to think “I’m in a tricky situation, I need to talk to my parent” instead of “I’m in a tricky situation, I hope my parent doesn’t find out,” well… we need to set the stage for type of relationship right now. When our kids open up to us when they’re younger - about being left out or feeling mad or about something they did … how we respond matters. Because our kids don’t just take in that interaction - they start to form a working model of how we will react, in general, and whether they feel better or worse after talking with us. Now this doesn’t mean our job is to make our kids feel happy. That’s not a pattern we want to lock ourselves into. It is our job to listen. To validate their feelings (remember: validation does not mean agreement or condoning). And to be a secure base during our child’s emotional storms. If you’re thinking “I’ve already messed up my kid,” I promise: it is not too late. I designed Good Inside - and specifically our app - for the parent who wants to turn things around. And so what that means is if you haven’t been showing up the way you want, you’re the perfect fit! Our onboarding will feel like a hug. And it’ll give you relief and hope and something to do *today* to make a positive step forward. Link in bio to learn more.
♬ original sound - Dr. Becky | Psychologist
You can follow Dr. Becky Kennedy (@drbeckyatgoodinside) on TikTok for more videos on psychology and parenting.