Couples therapist warns three everyday words could be quietly damaging your marriage — and what to say instead
Small habits in daily conversations can slowly shape the health of a marriage, often without couples even noticing. A licensed couples therapist has drawn attention to three words that can stir tension and defensiveness between partners. In a trending TikTok video, Amy Lombardi explained how everyday language can either open space for understanding or shut it down completely. The clip was shared on January 11, 2026, and posted under the handle @amyonrelationships. Lombardi, who worked as a couples therapist for 25 years, offered simple advice that many couples found easy to relate to and hard to ignore.
@amyonrelationships When someone hears always or never, they feel attacked and often go into defense mode. The conversation stops being about understanding and starts being about self protection. That is why these words escalate conflict so quickly. #relationshipadvice #therapy #couplestherapist #marriagehelp #healingjourney ♬ original sound - Amy Lombardi, LPC, MEd
Lombardi began by explaining that one of the simplest changes couples could make was removing certain words from their relationship vocabulary. She first pointed to “always” and “never,” along with other black-and-white phrases that suggested total blame. Statements like “you are always” or “you are never” might have felt honest in the moment, but Lombardi said they were rarely true. She revealed that these phrases ignored real effort and instantly put the other person on guard. She provided an example to clarify her advice, "You are always on your phone, that is not a true statement. I mean, at some point, they have to sleep, right?" Even calm partners, she noted, struggled not to react defensively when they heard language that felt extreme or unfair.
Instead of using absolute words, Lombardi encouraged couples to describe what they noticed and how they felt. Saying “I feel like you have been on your phone a lot lately” or “I noticed that what I'm doing feels like a lot more work in our household” kept the focus on the issue rather than attacking the person. According to Lombardi, these small shifts allowed space for discussion instead of argument. She stressed that communication worked better when it reflected real situations, not exaggerated ones. Removing “always” and “never” helped partners stay present and listen rather than preparing to defend themselves.
The third word Lombardi warned about was “but.” She pointed out that using “but” after something positive often canceled out what had just been said. Phrases like “I love you, but” or “I hear what you say, but” could make a partner feel dismissed. Lombardi stated that once “but” appeared, “Whatever thing you just said that was maybe nice or something that they needed to hear, you just negated everything you said at the beginning.”
As Lombardi suggested, negative words could affect a relationship more intensely than we think, and research backed this up. A study by the National Library of Medicine found that when couples used less negative communication than usual, they also felt more satisfied with their relationship at the same time, showing how closely negativity and satisfaction are linked. Over multiple observations, the study revealed that positive communication and overall relationship satisfaction tended to decline over time, while negative communication slightly increased for both partners.
For more relationship advice, follow @amyonrelationships on TikTok.
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