Couple therapist’s No. 1 trick to turn any conflict into deeper closeness — in under 10 minutes
Conflicts in a relationship are common and most often they end on a bitter note, leaving one or both partners spiraling. However, it isn't impossible to snap out of it. In a video on TikTok, a couples therapist, Melissa Divaris Thompson (@embracingjoynyc), shared what she calls the "single most important skill for a healthy relationship." The clip, which received over 260,000 views, revealed that acquiring this skill can turn even heated arguments into moments of deeper connection. Sometimes, in under 10 minutes, claimed Thompson. She confirmed that it is not about perfect communication or keeping calm or even knowing your love language. Instead, it is about looking within. She calls the trick "emotional regulation."
"Honestly, it's the unsung foundation of every healthy relationship," she said in the 2-minute 31-second video. "If you want a healthy relationship, you have to master this one skill, emotional regulation." She further clarified, "[It's] not perfection, not calm 24-7, just the ability to not set your relationship on fire when you're triggered." Thompson explained how people in relationships often try to focus on communication styles, learning love language, or studying attachment patterns. Warning her followers, she said, none of this can work if "you can't regulate your emotions in the moment."
"Emotional regulation isn't about never getting upset. It's not about being chill all the time," Thompson explained. "It's about being able to slow yourself down enough so that you're not reacting from the most wounded, flooded, panicked part of you." According to Thompson, every couple has some kind of emotional triggers, and in the moment, most of the time, the nervous system hijacks a conversation. Taking 10 minutes to reset during these tense moments can help couples strengthen their bond. "When both partners commit to emotional regulation, the entire tone of the relationship shifts. Conflicts get shorter. Repairs get faster. Fights that used to explode into three-day disconnects turn into 20-minute conversations with actual resolution," she added.
"Regulation is not s**y. It's not Instagram pretty, but it's the thing that turns we keep hurting each other into we finally understand each other," Thompson said. She shared a few key strategies to strengthen a relationship: recognize what calms you, identify what triggers you, express your boundaries before reaching a breaking point, and respect your partner's process without taking it personally.
Several of her followers resonated with her idea of regulating emotions during a tough conversation. Sharing her own experience, @rollerskategurl wrote, "Yup, I'm too reactive, and he goes silent, both are bad and dysfunctional." @reclaimingrach penned, "There's so much power in the pause." "I have worked so hard at this and failed just last night. I call it stepping outside my skin. It's such ugly behavior, but when I am in it, I feel out of control and can't seem to get regulated. Afterward, I feel so ashamed and ridiculous," remarked @sherbearshilhoe1996.
You can follow @embracingjoynyc on TikTok for content on relationships.
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