Mom confesses that she ‘regrets motherhood’ — the 'true feeling' is resonating with a lot of parents
Becoming a parent takes a lot of thought and decision-making. The addition of a new member to the family brings a lot of changes in the lives of parents, especially mothers. This can take a toll on moms, postpartum depression is a prominent example. A mom who goes by u/jessi927 revealed that as a mother of two, she often “regrets” motherhood. She noted that she adores her children and the ride that comes with it but often thinks about what life would have been had she not decided to be a mom. Many mums resonate with this poignant feeling.
Data from the PEW Research Center revealed that 47% of adults are unlikely to have kids. They have their reasons and the rate has been growing over the years. Another study by GALLUP noted that of 14% of American adults who don't have kids, 50% would consider parenting if given the chance to redo their lives. That leaves a question of whether the remaining 50% would choose to opt out of parenting all over again. Similar to this group was a mum who put out her sentiments about motherhood. She noted that her kids are 13 and 10 respectively, but she has always had a feeling on the negative end. “Ever since my first child was out of my body, I knew I made a terrible mistake by being a mother,” she wrote.
Data by Medrxiv noted that when they studied mothers and their likelihood of regret towards parenting and motherhood, "a score of 30 or higher out of a total possible score of 45" was obtained. The mom mentioned that the responsibilities are “relentless, dream-crushing, near poverty-inducing, and usually thankless.” She added that even though she loves her kids, she dreads the idea of being a parent. “We have really fun times together but even during those, I'm secretly resentful of the time I'm not getting to spend on my job, education, marriage, fitness and all the adult things I authentically enjoy,” she remarked.
Along with this resentment, there is also a burdening guilt of wanting to be a better mum. “I also get sad thinking how much they deserve a mom who genuinely enjoys being a mom.” She added that therapy and other assistance didn’t take away this feeling. Therapists suggested the mom had postpartum depression or burnout and offered remedies. “A gratitude journal and a babysitter” were among a few. However, the mom noted that this feeling is much “deeper” and was not just a phase. When fellow moms were asked for their input, they let the woman know she was not alone.
Many mentioned that they loved their children but hated the idea of motherhood. u/Lost_Advertising_219 said, “I relate to this. I love my kids and I like being their mother. But I do not enjoy motherhood and its trappings. It's hard to explain the difference but there's a difference.” u/Yailla added, “You are not alone. I love my children endlessly, but it’s soul-crushing some days.” u/JuneMockingBird wrote, “I can completely understand, it is all-encompassing and exhausting.” Orna Donath, a doctor of sociology at Tel Aviv University and Ben Gurion University of the Negev and author of the 2017 book Regretting Motherhood: A Study, pointed out that regretting motherhood doesn’t make you a bad parent, per The Guardian.
She explained that having negative feelings about being a parent does not indicate that there is a lack of love for one’s children. Dr. Ashurina Ream, a clinical psychologist, suggested, “Parents are suffering because they are trying their absolute best to do a great job while deteriorating because they’re holding onto something that they haven’t shared with anybody.” In such cases, communicating for clarity, seeking professional help and support from the community is of utmost importance.
