Psychologists say grandparents need to stop saying these phrases to their grandkids and people totally agree

There are times when grandparents can say certain things with positive intentions, but it affects the people around them negatively, especially their grandkids. Ann-Louise Lockhart, who is a pediatric psychologist and president of A New Day Pediatric Psychology in San Antonio, told HuffPost that "unintentional but well-meaning comments from grandparents can create an environment where grandkids feel uncomfortable or insecure." Hence, the adults in the family need to be mindful about what they say to the kids.

“It can be hard to change the way you say things but it’s important to be intentional with your words and be aware of how much words can impact the way your grandkids think and feel about themselves and their relationship with you,” Lockhart continued. “It’s never too late to start being more mindful of how you approach interactions with your grandchildren,” Andrea Dorn, a psychotherapist and author of the Mindful Steps children’s book series said, per Buzzfeed. Some of the pediatric psychologists and experts pooled in their valuable advice that can help grandparents as well as parents to regulate their words and actions around a child.

1. Telling kids that they are spoilt

When a grandparent spots their grandkids acting ungrateful or rude toward others and while they throw a fit, the elders need to keep their comments in check. The grandparents must not criticize the kids as being spoilt or point out how they are acting like brats. We must keep in mind that these are some of the most common behavioral traits of an average child and there is nothing unusual about it. A clinical psychologist from Pasadena, California, Ryan Howes, told HuffPost, “If they are acting entitled and ungrateful, this may be a behavior they learned or saw modeled for them, maybe even something that was reinforced by their parents. So giving them all the blame isn’t fair. Suck it up or talk with the parents, but keep the judgment to yourself.”

2. Grandparents overstepping boundaries

There are times when the grandparents think they know better than the parents of the kids. They do not respect the boundaries and rules set by the parents for their child's well-being and even say things to hurt the parents along with the child. “If you go in with a sense of entitlement to time and access to the grandchild, it’s probably not going to go over well, and it could backfire,” Dr. Jeremy Yorgason, a professor at Brigham Young University specializing in later-life family relationships, said per Good House Keeping. “Find the balance between giving them space and being helpful,” Ellen Kunkle, a long-time certified childbirth Educator at Maine Health Medical Center, advised.

3. Telling kids to keep secrets

Grandparents love giving their grandkids little treats from time to time when the parents are not around. It sort of becomes their secret which delights the kids and the grandparents alike. Or if a kid visits their grandparents and is allowed to stay up past their bedtime, the grandparents might tell the kids to make it their "little secret" and not talk about it to the parents. However, this can prove to be a harmful action as it encourages kids to lie to their parents and hide things from them. “It undercuts parental authority, which can have long-standing consequences. Furthermore, it models for kids that they might find themselves in situations where it’s in their ‘best interest’ not to tell their parents. This can be especially dangerous if a child is being groomed by a predator or feels bad about themselves for getting bullied," Atlanta-based clinical psychologist Zainab Delawalla told HuffPost. 

4. Commenting on the weight of a child

Children can end up developing body image issues and eating disorders if they keep hearing about their eating habits and weight fluctuations. “'Have you lost weight?' or 'Wow, you’re so much taller than your brother now!' The issue with comments about physical appearance or comparisons to others is that they place an increased focus on the importance of external features over internal traits," Andrea Dorn told HuffPost. Dorn suggests that grandparents can say things like "it is wonderful to see you again," "I have missed spending time with you" or "how have you been?" and other open-ended questions like these while talking about their interests and other activities. They don't necessarily have to point out changes in the physical features of the kids because they are more than just their looks or what they wear.

5. Asking for physical affection

Exchanging hugs and kisses with one's grandchildren is normal as long as the kids are comfortable with it. In no way should an adult force the kids to show physical affection if they are reluctant to do so. "'You better come over here and give me a hug or a kiss!' While this phrase is likely filled with love and a completely normal desire to foster closeness and connection with a child, it can also unintentionally take away a child’s right to autonomy and pressure them to abandon and second-guess their body boundaries,” Dorn said, per HuffPost. “This can send confusing messages about consent.” Dorn also added that grandparents should ask their grandchildren if they are okay with the grandparents hugging them or showing any physical affection. “This approach also reinforces the idea that physical affection is a personal choice, promoting a healthy understanding of boundaries and consent in other areas of their life," she clarified.